Mental Health from the Other Side
What do I know about a crisis in Mental Health?
It didn’t happen to me. It happened to the person I loved the most. Never in my life did I feel so helpless watching him fall farther and farther into the abyss of his negative thoughts. Nothing I tried pulled him from the gravity of what he thought he had done—one piece of paper. One doubt was carved into his mind and soul that he could never heal. One year from the first panic attack, he decided it was just too much.
A lot happened during that final year. My husband’s mental health crisis, a family cancer diagnosis, parent heart surgeries, death of my father, my daughter’s wedding, and me trying to keep my shit together. I am not looking for sympathy or pity. This is a story that others share. A year of the most undeniable heartache, tragedy, and joy. How do you ride that roller coaster?
I survived because once a day, I could venture from the reality of my home life to the barn and the horses. The irony of this statement is that he took this opportunity for his final act when I had gone to the barn. You would have thought that, because of this, I would remove horses from my life—just the opposite. I dug further in.
Why go to the horses? Horses had always been a place of healing for me, even though I never thought of it that way. The barn was a place of calm, quiet, community, and friendship from humans and the horses. Ted, the only horse I had at the time, gave me a purpose to keep my feet moving. I had something to care for and knew it relied upon me to show up.
I guess with mental health, the key is to keep showing up even when it is hard and you want to give up. I will never understand the whole struggle of what my husband was experiencing. I know what I was experiencing and the frustration I felt looking for someone to give me some answers on how to help him get “better”.
What I have learned is that it was never in my power to make him do anything. This was his internal struggle. I could provide all the tools available and love him to the ends of the earth, but ultimately, it was his journey to travel. Such a horribly hard concept to wrap my head around.
Where do I want to go with this little confession?
For those who are experiencing a mental health crisis..know that you are so loved by so many people. I have heard that no amount of love can compensate for the pain you are experiencing, but please reconsider. Being the one left behind, I can’t explain the amount of excruciating pain that is experienced. I will never forget holding my daughter as she wailed in my arms for the loss of her father, and having my grown son sob on your shoulder. The amount of loss just continues as we grow older, and you never do.
Almost three years in, I still think of him every day and question “Why?”. I will never get that answer. So I keep creating a life of my own. I look for the good that is in my life. I cherish my new little grandson and try not to think too much about how I have to grandparent alone. I visit my adult children as much as possible, even though they do not live nearby. I open my farm to those who, like me, have experienced significant life changes. We go to the horses and let them give us what we need. And in turn, I provide them with what they desire: safety, shelter, a herd, and food. Such simple things, but to them, it is all.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to show you a little of what life is like on the Other side of mental illness.
Jill
At Liberty Connections Farm
May 2025
